Cheeky
by Legend96
Summary: "How do I know you don't have a tail you can magic away and back all willy nilly like? How do I know you don't sit on your bathroom counter and groom yourself for six hours a day?" Malec, all dialogue, one-shot.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. It's all Cassie Clare's.**

"Off."

"You want to get off? That's fine by me."

"No - Magnus, _ugh_, that's not what I mean - get off of me."

"But you make a very comfortable pillow, Alec."

"Magnus."

"Go on. Say my last name. Oooh, better yet!" A throat clearing. "Go on. Say it. Out loud. Say it."

"You realize that popular culture doesn't touch the Institute and the Shadowhunters in it, right?"

"Of course. You're no fun sometimes because of that. But I suppose it doesn't matter this time; the movie accompaniment to that awful book was even more awful, anyway."

"You still haven't gotten off of me."

"I don't intend to anytime soon, either."

"_Magnuuuuus_."

"Whining does you no good. It makes me want to curl into you even farther."

"Magnus, seriously - watch your elbow, please - you're cutting the circulation in my legs off."

"Nope. You're still way too nice to lay on."

"Oh, yeah? Let me try - "

"Wiggling around like that is not going to get me off of you, darling. It's only going to get me on you faster."

"You can stop with the sexual innuendos now."

"But they're so much fun! Almost as fun as last ni - "

"If you finish that sentence I am going to go find Chairman Meow and proceed to give him more attention than you for the rest of the day."

"That's hardly fair. If that cat were humanoid I feel like you'd be cheating on me with him."

"Magnus. He's a _cat_."

"And I have cat eyes. Obviously there's some sort of attraction here."

"He's an _actual_ cat."

"I'm not really getting your point."

"I'm not big on that whole bestiality thing."

Silence.

"Magnus, say something. The way you're moving makes me think you're crying."

"I'm - oh, by the Angel - Alec, I'm laughing!"

"...can you stop?"

"No! That was a grand answer, darling, I wasn't expecting it. I'm proud of you."

"Humph. Can you please stop moving that like? It's like you're trying to absorb me into your body."

"You're making the sexual innuendos way too easy, Alec, you must realize my comments are partially your fault."

"Get it out of your system. One more and then you're done."

"No, the moment's passed. I'll let that one go."

"Magnus, now you've made me curious to hear it."

"I don't think you'd want to. It was rather crude, actually."

"You just pat my butt cheek, you know."

"I know."

"So long as you do."

"It is a very nice butt cheek."

"Let's not get into a conversation about my butt cheek, if you please."

"But I like your butt cheek."

"Well I like your right leg but we're not having a conversation about that."

"Really? You like my right leg? I always thought it was just a bit shorter than my left. Thanks for the insight."

"Magnus, I swear, if this doesn't stop I am getting up."

"No no, I'll be good, I promise."

Several minutes of silence.

"Do you think, perhaps, if it's going to be this quiet, we can kiss a little?"

"You are a _child_, Magnus."

"The quiet unnerves me. And I am not a child, you know full well how old I am!"

"Do I? Do I, really?"

"...probably not. But you know I'm far from being a child, thank you very much!"

"I meant figuratively, Magnus."

"I feel like my last name would've worked in that sentence more than my first."

"No. There is going to be some sick pleasure you gain from that and I will not give it to you."

"You know you want to, _Lightwood_."

"Did you just _purr_ my last name?"

"Purrhaps I did. Purrhaps I didn't."

"Oh, my god, I _am_ dating a cat. I require an immediate breakup and a permanent memory erasure spell of the last few months. I can't believe it."

"Oh, relax, Lightwood, I was only kidding."

"How do I know that? How do I know you don't have a tail you can magic away and back all willy nilly like? How do I know you don't sit on your bathroom counter and groom yourself for six hours a day?"

"Think about what you just said."

A few moments thought.

"Okay, I admit, the tail thing was ridiculous, but you do sit on your bathroom counter and groom yourself for long amounts of time."

"I will admit I do. But it's all for the man with the fantastic sexual prowess I manage to lay on top of after fantastic nights together."

"Thank you for reminding me - I can no longer feel any part of my legs whatsoever. I can't even move my toes. Everything feels like lead. I blame you."

"It is my fault. That's obvious. Who else would the blame be assigned to?"

"Hm."

"Hm? Is there another culprit I don't know about? Lightwood, darling, if you don't tell me, I might have to banish you from this wonderful bed before you get the feeling in your legs back."

"Are you really still referring to me as Lightwood?"

"I'm waiting for you to respond in kind."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"We are bickering like ten year olds and we need to stop."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Call me by my last name and then we'll see."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"N - Yes! Aha! Nice try, Lightwood, but you have failed in that attempt!"

"Dammit."

"C'mon. You can say it, I believe in you."

"I hate you right now."

"What was that?"

"I hate you right now,_ Magnus_."

"You are absolutely no fun, Alec."

"Are you sure? You disagreed with that statement last night."

"Darling, you just made a joke about our sex life."

"I am aware."

"I am even more proud of you now."

"How about you don't be creepy about it?"

"Creepy is what I do best, Alexander, you know that."

"Ugh."

Laughter. "Oh, darling, you're too easy to tease."

"...who said you could get up, Magnus?"

"I was assuming you'd want feeling in your legs again sometime soon."

"Yeah but I didn't actually want you to move."

"I'm flattered."

Some shifting.

"Come_ here_, Bane."

"_Oooooh_, I just got shivers."

"Are you going to makeout with me or not?"

"Yes, please."

**AN: It wasn't_ supposed_ to be all dialogue. It just kinda turned out that way.**

**Enjoy~**


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